It’s been rough here, I won’t lie. I could not leave my son’s side for most of the day on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I slept with him on the sofa on Friday night because not only was I worried about disturbing his little brother in their shared room, but I was moreover truly concerned about his dehydration. He complained that his legs and back were hurting, and I was really worried. He was able to get about 12 oz of water between throwing up at bedtime on Friday, and throwing up after a small amount of Cheerios in the afternoon on Saturday. He threw up his lunch on Sunday, and since then he has been OK on the throwing up front. Monday I kept him home but he got antsy and we went to the zoo. He couldn’t walk the whole way, he was so low energy.
Needless to say, Tiger Hobbes came with us. He was Captain Tiger Hobbes and my son and I were his Animal Investigators Reporting for Duty. Tigers can jump really really far.
But today he’s at school. I just don’t have anything left in my nurturing bucket. I’m emotionally drained and physically exhausted. My compassion levels are absolutely bottomed out.
I need a full night’s sleep.
I need for everyone to be healthy.
I need to not worry about anyone’s bodily fluids but my own. (side note: to whomever taught my youngest son that boys can stand to pee? fuck you!)
I need to coat my house in Lysol.
As I was getting my daughter on the bus, she said something hurtful. I don’t even remember what it was but it was some “joke” thing about how I was a terrible and mean mom. I was so embarrassed in front of the other parents.
I have been trying like crazy to meet everyone’s needs, including my own. And I feel like I’ve been doing OK. Not perfect, certainly not. But I have been happier, illnesses notwithstanding, these past few months, since I’ve started writing and exercising, than I have in so long.
I’ve been trying to spend time with each child, especially my daughter who is growing up so quickly. Since her younger brothers require so much effort and attention, I’ve been really making a big deal about showing her that she is important to me, by going every step of the way with her as she sold girl scout cookies, having a snowball fight with her, trying to schedule a sleepover (illness notwithstanding), volunteering in her classroom (illness and snowstorms notwithstanding) and reading a chapter of The Borrowers every night.
And her comment today just really stung. It was really deflating and it made me feel lower than I had been feeling… which was low And I can’t even remember what she said.
Full disclosure: I came home from the bus stop and did a few chores and just sat on the sofa and cried and fell asleep. I didn’t exercise and I didn’t make any effort to do anything.