I’m amazed at the difference this week has made. This week of pretending to be the sort of person I would like to be. This person who exercises and writes and keeps on top of things and laughs readily.
Maybe the reason I would like to be this kind of person is, maybe I’m that kind of person somewhere inside. Maybe?
This morning I had a case of just not wanting to. Just wanting to get the kids to school and sit on my butt and just sit and sit and sit. But I didn’t because for some reason, although I sort of wonder if anyone else besides my husband is reading this (hi honey!), this is holding me accountable. I also know how bad I’d feel for shirking this, because I shirk things and regret it, and then get down about myself and yadda yadda. I was able to buy a half hour rebooting my computer so I could do a workout on Hulu because it’s still way too cold outside for me to run (although I may try on Sunday, when it’s supposed to be in the FORTIES. Heat wave! Even though what I wanted to do was sit and play games on my phone, I worked out something with my husband about insurance and got the living room cleared out. Somehow the toys I have been trying to keep up in the boys’ room made their way downstairs! And those Hero Factory pieces HURT to step on. So got my head cleared while I was cleaning up a little and was ready to start working pretty easily.
This is a change I’ve noticed… the downward spiral I’ve been getting caught in is less likely to begin lately. And this is a big deal, especially since it’s approaching that time when I want to crawl into a hole and cry for a week straight.
Of course I felt better after keeping my commitment to exercising. Since I’m meeting a friend for lunch, I knew I’d be taking a shower anyway and I figured, why waste the water? This is how my brain works. These are the mental negotiations I hold. For many things. With my hamstrings feeling better from my workout on Monday, I went ahead and did the 10lb Down Better Body Blast, and it was a little easier this time. There was one part in the middle that I sat out halfway through, but I was able to complete the weird thing at the end, where I lay on my stomach and lift my knees up and criss-cross my legs, which I wasn’t able to do once last time. I made sure to stretch out really well afterwards, while watching this YouTube video which seems to have been made in cooperation with my husband (hi honey!) and the Nerd Herd:
Anyway — I do have a point here. I’m feeling good. I’m spending time taking care of myself instead of spending time thinking about how much better off my family would be without me. I’m getting my brain and body working again. Getting my life and my family working again.
And, I saw a difference in my body when I was getting dressed today. I’m reclaiming my waistline. I think it’s hilarious that really, such relatively little effort, produced a visible result. Maybe it’s calories burned or muscles toned or maybe I’m just holding my posture better with improved exercise patterns and improved mental state. I think the latter is more likely but I definitely will take it where I can get it. But it’s a big deal and a big motivator. It’s almost as encouraging as comments on this blog (hi honey!). Even spam comments are wildly complimentary. And like I said.. I’ll take it where I can get it.
When I sat down to write today, I set my Pandora to the Phish station and, of course, a Grateful Dead song was first to be played. Because really — they’re interchangeable. Blarg. I used to like the Dead before I started using Pandora on my phone and now I just resent them.
Long distance runner, what you standin’ there for?
Get up, get out, get out of the door
You’re playin’ cold music on the barroom floor
Drowned in your laughter and dead to the core.
Of course after that, it gets really nerd-herdy with some shit about a dragon, but it stuck with me. I was a long distance runner last year at this time, or at least training for my half. I mean, not ultramarathons for record speeds but know what? I ran 14 miles in 3:00:12. That’s something! That is NOT something I would have thought about being able to do, just a few years ago.
What the hell have I been doing? Why did I let myself get so depressed and out of shape and brainless? How did THAT happen? What if the person deep down inside is THAT asshole who wants to sit and fall dormant? What a drag that would be. But frankly, if that’s the case — today, when I’m feeling good for stomping that jagoff down for one more day, I don’t really care if it’s a matter of faking it every fucking day for the rest of my life so I can feel happy and not terrorize my family and friends with my depressed state.
I know that the end purpose of Project Karen 2.0 is to find me a fucking job, but right now I’m just sort of reveling in the idea that I’m not worthless and hopeless. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up but I am almost starting to think that I can probably do it. I just need to find out what it is!
- Cardio: 20+ minutes
- Words written: 1000+
- Weight: 145 — with the reappearance of my waist.
- Job I Don’t Want: Being the asshole I have been for recent history.
- Deck Check: Fire on the Mountain, Grateful Dead (Shakedown Street)